So many Filipinos working in Hong Kong were killed before this. Hong Kong punished those who are responsible. They too have people who kills one of us. Murders does not happen only in the Philippines. There are murderers everywhere.

Those tourist were here because they want to explore our country, get to know it. A sign that there’s no war between us. Let’s not ignite flames that will start one. So many Filipinos work abroad, in Hong Kong. They are now being put in a very awkward and shameful situation but they will face it. We know they will face it. I trust that they’ll understand Hong Kong’s reaction.

While they are doing that, can we please stop hating each other? We could only blame one man. He who pulled the trigger. We can blame our policemen for being lousy, but we know blaming won’t really help. Training is what they lack. It’s really sad and disappointing to claim they don’t have the proper training – but that’s the truth. Those policemen might get killed there as well. The fact that they braved to be there – without any protective suit, any masks, any efficient weapon is something we should not take for granted. Our policemen made a very lousy job. We can say the brains of the system is also pathetic… but let’s not laugh at them. 8 lives were lost. Give ourselves time to grieve for that. The Philippine Police needs an overhaul, but so do we. It can happen to any country. If we continue to put fingers at each other, nothing’s ever gonna change.

The very reason why I learned to avoid this kind of “alone” is I think too much. Whenever I do, there are always this clouds of madness. I think if you lived almost all of your life insecure, you are always bound to face these kind of times when you are left alone with yourself, your mind draining the hell out of you.

I won’t wait for time to change it. I’ll just simply make it happen.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

Konting pasensya pa! Konting tiis pa! Napakahaba ng pila, napakainit at nakakapikon ang mga pulitikong pati mga botante ay sinisiraan na dahil sa hindi pagsuporta sa kanila! Whew! ….

Napakahaba ng pila sa labas ng bwat presinto. Sa kabila ng lahat, walang umuuwi, walang nag-aaway. Sana nakikita ng bawat kandidato ang lahat ng ito.

We deserve to be treated better than this. I pray to God the next president sees our worth and not rob us off the right to live in a country free from corruption.

I’ve been told a lot of times how hard it must be for us to deal with my father’s illness. I’ve been talking about it with people who always ask how my father is… someone would ask how we’re doing and I’m going to say we’re okay, then tell them the situation. I’ve been talking about it with well-meaning friends to the point of sounding uncaring. I would repeat saying how many times my father needs to have his dialysis sessions per week. I would repeat saying how he’s about to lose his eyesight and I would repeat saying that it’s hard…

I have no right to say it’s physically hard to deal with because I’m not doing the hardest part. It was my mother who takes care of my father. It was she who have to wait for the day-long dialysis twice a week. She braves the day-to-day pains of seeing the man he loves go through the routine.

I have no right to claim I’m getting tired of physically doing something except dropping them off the dialysis center every Saturday, and mind you I wasn’t even driving (Mike does the driving).

I have no right to claim it’s financially hard because it is my Ate Riza who’s spending down to the cent. My sister works her butts off to sustain him.

It’s the broken heart. It’s the broken heart that keeps me constantly lying on my back every single time the curse strikes me. I’ve always said I’m weak. Well, I just realize I do because it’s easier.

I just realize it’s easier to say ”I’m weak” then give up, than saying ”I can do this” then fight. I’m scared of that emotional hard work. I fear hard work. In any form. I’d rather give up than be tired of fighting. It is a disease. It is a disease more dangerous than any organ failure because it destroys the soul.

Hopelessness. Emptiness. They were given a lot of medical names. Some describes them in science in many forms. But what ails us… what ails people the most is a broken heart.

It is one figure of speech that can also be taken literally. I tried hard not to make this sound melodramatic but I just couldn’t find any cool words to describe it. It’s merely “a broken heart”.

The pursuit of happiness is a journey not all of us are successful in even seeing the finish line… because a lot of people rather give up. A lot chooses to be comfortable and get used with the hurt than be exhausted with the hardship of fighting.

I look up to people who have a very strong sense of purpose and steely determination because they are the ones who mostly see things through regardless of the outcome.

Tonight. I’ll admit I’m weak but won’t stop hoping. That just about all I can do for now.

So I was cleaning my room, and my other room… and another room I was using as s storeroom when I came across this very old, tampered little notebook I used to bring with me. I was sitting cross-legged and exactly when I saw the book, my heart did skip a beat. Well, as expected because I know what it contain.

I have completely forgotten about it. Obviously because I’d trashed every remnants of my “trying days” so whole-heartedly, I kept them to where even I could forget they are there. My sister from Australia is coming home so we are all so busy tidying up the house. Had it not been the case, this little treasure will remain untouched – even by the owner.

I knew the words I wrote and the feelings I felt. And sitting there, so many years after – it’s as if I’m reading someone else’s thoughts. I can’t help but say to myself “dang, I was such a loser” (smiling because I don’t mean it). You see, I’m so disgustingly proud of myself – because I knew I’ve come a very long way.

“there’s a constant reminder in my room that I’m stronger than I seem, tougher than I look… because here, in this very room I cried, I hate, I loved, I envied, I loathed… then I healed.

… for what I am… is neither evil nor hopeless.

Did I make mistakes? yes.
Did I deceive, lie and pretend? yes.
Did I love myself too much to want to destroy someone with my bare hands? yes.

In my mind I did but I never get to do all of them.

Why?
Because I’m a coward.
Because I’m always scared.
Because I don’t know who I really am.
Because I’m not sure what I really want.

I’m scared and clueless. I’m confused. I want this to end. “

- pathetic jasmin dela paz (1994-2004)

There’s actually a very long story behind it. It rocked me so hard I knew then and there I fell rock bottom. I was so depressed I kept writing and writing until I filled the whole pages of the very unfortunate book. I wanna post it here to somehow immortalize it – of course, for myself because I’m the only person who knew exactly what the words meant.

I VOTED!!!!

I came across an article from the Twilight official fansite asking just an online vote to help victims of domestic violence… I visit this site everyday due to my unhealed fan twilight fan syndrome and while I’m reading the article, I just decided to campaign for it as well…

I just think that it’s so nice we can extend our help to those who need it most by just spending some of our “online” minutes. I’ve been searching the net how to help Haiti victims by just doing the same but I can’t find one. Obviously, I can’t afford monetary donation… but at least there’s another way to show we care.

My friends… let’s help!

I can’t help but sigh. 2009 is about to end and it’s making me so confused because the days just went on so fast. I must say I’m not quite prepared to welcome a new year. I want to go back to a large number of passed days I had… days that I just wasted time and energy doing things I’m not happy about then doing nothing at all.

I need a full month of January to take a grip… but since many people are makinng their new year’s resolution list, let me tell you … mine is to stop living like a pig.

Typhoon Ondoy hit Central Luzon.

10:00.Mike and I were on our way home from work to pick Nanay and Tatay for Tatay’s dialysis. At first we were so worried we’re about to be late because of the slow traffic in EDSA. That was 8am, Saturday . Then the traffic stopped moving, the water went  up. That’s when we realize we were stranded. We called Nanay and Tatay to tell them we can’t make it, look for a driver to drive them to the dialysis center, and asked how they were. That was my first call and everything was ok apart from the fact that they need to call Mang Nelson (neighbor who usually drives them to and from the center).

 20 minutes after, we heard from the car radio that the flood was across Metro Manila. I got worried and called nanay to tell them the streets going to Quezon City may not be safe, re-route… only to hear my nanay’s nervous voice telling me they were upstairs because the water was waist high inside our house. I was so worried because I knew they were alone and my tatay can’t walk anymore; shocked to even heard there’s really flood in our area which never happened the whole 26 years of my life. Nanay told me my cousins went to their rescue and was able to help them save some of our things.

In the meantime, we also have our own dilemma in EDSA. Mike went out to help people push their cars to shallower areas. The water was almost “seat-high” inside the car and he refused to let me help. I stayed inside, squatting so the water won’t reach me. We were stranded in EDSA for almost 10 hours.

The rest of the story won’t fit in this post… 

Pictures of EDSA below… 

September 27, Sunday, my birthday – I was staying at Mike’s house at that time, knowing that my family’s alright- the water subsiding.

Sunday,6pm,  my mother told me they were finding ways to rush my father to the hospital. He skipped his dialysis and that was very crirical…

All of us were in the hospital parking lot waiting for tatay…

Days after, my sister-in-law told me she took pictures though they were just for the early hours of the day. the water reached chest high outside our house…

From Saturday morning ’till Monday morning, my brother was in Cainta. He told me they walked from Ligaya to Sta. Lucia where the water was chest-high. The management of Sta. Lucia mall opened their doors to give shelter to the people stranded there. Only, there’s no food etc. No food and water the whole day.

My brother took a couple of pictures…