it’s a broken heart

I’ve been told a lot of times how hard it must be for us to deal with my father’s illness. I’ve been talking about it with people who always ask how my father is… someone would ask how we’re doing and I’m going to say we’re okay, then tell them the situation. I’ve been talking about it with well-meaning friends to the point of sounding uncaring. I would repeat saying how many times my father needs to have his dialysis sessions per week. I would repeat saying how he’s about to lose his eyesight and I would repeat saying that it’s hard…

I have no right to say it’s physically hard to deal with because I’m not doing the hardest part. It was my mother who takes care of my father. It was she who have to wait for the day-long dialysis twice a week. She braves the day-to-day pains of seeing the man he loves go through the routine.

I have no right to claim I’m getting tired of physically doing something except dropping them off the dialysis center every Saturday, and mind you I wasn’t even driving (Mike does the driving).

I have no right to claim it’s financially hard because it is my Ate Riza who’s spending down to the cent. My sister works her butts off to sustain him.

It’s the broken heart. It’s the broken heart that keeps me constantly lying on my back every single time the curse strikes me. I’ve always said I’m weak. Well, I just realize I do because it’s easier.

I just realize it’s easier to say ”I’m weak” then give up, than saying ”I can do this” then fight. I’m scared of that emotional hard work. I fear hard work. In any form. I’d rather give up than be tired of fighting. It is a disease. It is a disease more dangerous than any organ failure because it destroys the soul.

Hopelessness. Emptiness. They were given a lot of medical names. Some describes them in science in many forms. But what ails us… what ails people the most is a broken heart.

It is one figure of speech that can also be taken literally. I tried hard not to make this sound melodramatic but I just couldn’t find any cool words to describe it. It’s merely “a broken heart”.

The pursuit of happiness is a journey not all of us are successful in even seeing the finish line… because a lot of people rather give up. A lot chooses to be comfortable and get used with the hurt than be exhausted with the hardship of fighting.

I look up to people who have a very strong sense of purpose and steely determination because they are the ones who mostly see things through regardless of the outcome.

Tonight. I’ll admit I’m weak but won’t stop hoping. That just about all I can do for now.